


What Could Have Been

by KopyKunoichi



Category: Solo: A Star Wars Story (2018), Star Wars: Rebels
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-08
Updated: 2020-05-08
Packaged: 2021-03-02 17:13:33
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,863
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24070384
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/KopyKunoichi/pseuds/KopyKunoichi
Summary: Maul shows up one night at Ahsoka's apartment with a very surprising request.A ficlet in which Maul and Ahsoka both wonder what could have been had they chosen to walk the same path, even as they cope with the fallout of going their separate ways.
Relationships: Maul/Ahsoka Tano
Comments: 15
Kudos: 70





	What Could Have Been

Ahsoka paused outside her apartment. There was nothing out of the ordinary in the small town that she was currently residing in. It was a quiet evening - everyone was tucked inside their homes for the night. Still, she felt an uneasiness that she couldn’t explain. She reached out with the Force, trying to sense what was amiss.

There. 

A presence within. Dark. Pained. Familiar. 

_Why is he here?_

She drew one of her lightsabers from her robe and took a calming breath. There was an understanding between them. They were not enemies at the moment, but nor were they friends. They could never be that. She didn’t think he would be a threat to her, but caution was always warranted with this one.

She opened the door and stepped inside. There was a dim light on in the living area. She rounded the corner and tensed. He was alone, sitting on her couch with his back to her. His body was angled forward and his head bowed. She expected either a snide remark or an overly polite greeting - those were his two defaults. But he remained silent. She sensed an unusual amount of turmoil within him, roiling beneath the surface. It put her further on edge.

Igniting her lightsaber, she approached him slowly. 

“I thought we agreed not to see each other in person again.”

When he gave her no response, she drew closer, until the pale light from her saber was close enough to illuminate the jet black skin at the back of his head. It also revealed what he had been staring at so intently. Stretched out in Maul’s lap was the last thing she ever expected to see him holding: a child. The infant was no more than a few weeks old, tiny and helpless. It was sound asleep, its head cradled in his cupped hands - the rest of its little body nestled in between his forearms.

She deactivated the saber, hoping the pulsing hiss wouldn’t wake the child. Whatever the story was behind this unexpected scene, she knew he had not come here to harm her. She walked around to the front of the couch and sank into the cushions next to him. Seventeen-year-old Ahsoka would have scoffed at the notion of her and Maul sitting on a loveseat next to each other with a baby in mix - but she had learned over the years that nothing was ever outside of the realm of possibility.

“Whose child is this?” she asked, peering into its soft face. 

It was completely bald, with a decidedly human looking face. There were no features to indicate it was anything otherwise.

“He’s my son,” Maul replied, his low voice unusually hoarse.

“You’re son?” she asked. “You adopted a child?”

He sighed, “No, Lady Tano. He is mine, born of my own body.” A tiny note of impatience in his tone made him sound more like himself.

“Oh. I didn’t know you could…” she trailed off, not wanting to venture there with him right now. But she was still curious how such a thing could have happened. Another thought occurred to her, “Is he a clone?”

“Not a clone either, though I did make use of the Kaminoans in order to create him. I had them harvest my DNA in a manner that would allow him to be conceived in...as natural a way as possible.”

That surprised Ahsoka further. “He has a mother?”

“He does.” Maul paused, swallowing thickly. “He did. But Sidious took her from me, like everything else.”

Ahsoka didn’t want to feel sorry for him. After all the things he had done - all the families he had destroyed - he deserved to be miserable. But as she stared into his bright red-gold eyes that remained fixed on probably the last thing in the galaxy that meant anything to him, she couldn’t help but feel compassion for him. Maul had always been a tormented creature. He was anger and pain and chaos and rage, always walking the knife’s edge of cunning and insanity. But now she felt something else flickering in the dark aura that surrounded him - grief. The sort of grief that only comes from losing something precious to you. It was proof that there was enough of a soul somewhere between those two hearts of his to feel love for someone other than himself. 

She touched his bare shoulder, surprised by the heat of his skin, “I’m sorry.”

His eyes flicked to her face, as if he was as taken aback by her words as she was. He searched her gaze, looking for some duplicity. She stared back, somehow undisturbed by how close they were to each other.

“As am I,” he replied finally, and she couldn’t tell if he meant that he was sorry for his own loss or if he was apologizing to her for past wrongs. 

“I don’t understand, though. Why did you bring him here?” she asked, shifting her attention back to the sleeping infant.

“Sidious knows I’m alive. He was monitoring the DNA database on Kamino. When I went there to enlist their aid in making him, it flagged my genetic template. He sent his Inquisitors to hunt me down. I have burned through every ally I have in the past year trying to stay ahead of him. The Shadow Collective is disbanded and Crimson Dawn is in shambles. If the child stays with me, Sidious will either kill him or use him to control me. I won’t let that happen.”

“Can I ask you something?” 

He caught her eyes again, a wariness in his gaze. But he nodded for her to continue.

“What possessed you to go through all the trouble of making a baby?”

His eyes softened and chuckled low in his throat, raising one eyebrow at her, “Trouble? My dear Lady Tano - surely the getting of children is generally considered to be an enjoyable affair.”

She felt her orange skin redden, and hoped he didn’t notice, “You can _enjoy_ the affair without making a baby. I grant that sometimes it happens regardless, but that wasn’t the case here. You went out of your way to have a child that shared your blood. Why?”

“Legacy,” he replied, his voice taking a deeper pitch. 

He shifted the bundle in his arms, tucking the boy’s head into the crook of his elbow. He leaned back into the seat, dropping his head back against the cushions. His legs shifted wider, the outside of his metallic knee brushing against hers; but she didn’t pull away, determined not to let his proximity unsettle her. 

“My relationship with Qi’ra - the boy’s mother - was unexpected. It was gradual. I had thought those desires lost to me, but it seems they were still lurking beneath the surface. At first, I told myself I didn’t love her. Love was weakness. Love was unnecessary. A distraction. But then I realized that’s what _he_ taught me. Letting myself have feelings for another person became another act of defiance against him. The truth is, when I was with her, I felt whole. I felt almost content. It was _almost_ enough.

But, I was greedy. I wanted more. I began to think about what my life had amounted to. Would others look at all I’ve done and say that it was just a series of failures? Would anyone remember me at all? Would anyone besides Qi’ra miss me? I wanted something to leave behind when I was gone. Some part of myself. Someone to remember me and to carry on in my stead. Sidious destroyed all the family I have ever had - my mother and my brother, and all the people of Dathomir. I am the last.”

He leaned his head to the side to look at his son once more, “Now _we_ are the last. And, as usual, everything I touch turns to dust in my hands.”

He rolled his head toward her; his bright, liquid eyes glowing faintly in the dim light. Most people probably found his gaze to be unsettling at best, terrifying at worst; but in that moment, Ahsoka saw the beauty in it. She shifted her body toward him, tucking one foot up underneath her. 

“It’s not your fault,” she heard herself saying. Why she felt the need to comfort him, she had no idea, but she continued. “You shouldn’t blame yourself for wanting what most people want. There’s nothing wrong with wanting a family. There’s nothing wrong with wanting a legacy.”

“But what kind of legacy would it have been for him?” Maul asked. “All I know is pain, anger, and revenge.”

“And love,” she pointed out. “You loved his mother. You loved your family.”

“And Sidious turned that love into more pain.”

“Yes, love brings pain. It’s true. Eventually, we have to let go of what we love. But that doesn’t mean that it was wrong to love in the first place.”

“Love without attachment?” he asked.

“There is no such thing as love without attachment. To love something is to attach a piece of your heart to it. When you lose it, part of yourself goes with it. The Jedi told us not to become attached to things so that we wouldn’t fear losing them. But it was the fear of attachment that caused them to become so calloused that they lost their way.”

“Tell me then...how can you love something, and not fall deeper into darkness when you lose it?”

Ahsoka turned that over in her mind. How had she done it? She had lost so many people she loved. Anakin. Obi-wan. Plo. Padme. The Jedi. The clones. Her rebel friends. Not all were dead, but they were just as lost to her. How had it not turned her to vengeance? 

“I don’t know,” she admitted. “I just take it one day at a time. I remember the good times and I don’t dwell on the bad. I keep fighting because they can’t. I still hate Palpatine for what he did. But I won’t let myself become the thing that I hate.”

He nodded slowly, “I’m afraid I’m not like you, Lady Tano. For me, there is nothing but revenge to keep me going.”

“That’s because you continue to turn only to the darkness. There are two sides of the Force, Maul. The older I get, the more I realize that the light and dark and not the same as good and evil. In order to find balance, one must accept both. I know you’ve felt it. You couldn’t have made this little boy without touching the light,” she said, reaching over to touch the tiny toes peeking out from under his blanket.

“Maybe,” Maul admitted. “But I think there was only enough light to spill over into him. I don’t have anything left to give him now but death and pain. I want more for him. That’s why I came to you.”

“You want to leave him with me?” she asked, sounding more calm about the notion than she felt.

“I know you can’t raise him yourself,” he said, his eyes pleading with her. “Your life is no less perilous than mine. But you have connections to people. People who will love him and raise him in a way that I never could. You’re the only person I could trust with this. Please, Ahsoka --”

“Okay,” she blurted out, “I’ll help you.”

His mouth was hanging slightly open, and Ahsoka noticed for the first time that his teeth were no longer rotten and yellow. They were clean and perfectly white. Raising her eyes back to his, she detected a look of wariness there. It occurred to her that she had said these exact words to him before. Years ago, when he had asked her to join him in his fight against Sidious, she had agreed. But when she learned that he planned to kill Anakin, depriving Sidious of his new apprentice, she had rejected him - believing that Anakin could never be turned. How wrong she had been. Now, knowing what she knew...she probably still wouldn’t have been able to kill Anakin. But there was always a lingering thought of what might have changed if she had followed through with her hasty promise to partner with Maul.

“Don’t worry, I won’t make it contingent on you answering any questions, this time,” she said, a humorless smile tugging up the corners of her mouth.

He watched her, his head cocked slightly to the side.

“Do you ever wonder what could have been if you had joined me that night?” he asked, turning toward her and raising his elbow to the back of the couch. 

Slightly disturbed that his thoughts ran parallel to hers, she hesitated to reply. 

“Don’t say anything,” he added quietly. “I think I would rather not know the answer.”

“Our destinies ran along separate paths,” she whispered.

“And yet, they continue to cross each other, time and time again,” he countered, leaning closer to her.

“That’s because you keep finding me and showing up where I live,” she shot back, offering him a slightly playful smile.

He grinned at her, and her eyes were drawn once more to his teeth. It had been the single unattractive feature of his face, but no more. There was nothing left to prevent her from thinking him handsome. Why she was having such thoughts now, in this moment, was quite baffling to her. She was not attracted to him in that way. His graceful, catlike movements were not alluring to her. She did not want to trace the lines of his tattoos. She did not want to feel the heat of his skin beneath her fingers. She didn’t want his lips on hers. 

“Ahsoka,” he said, drawing out the vowels of her name.

She looked up, suddenly aware that she had been staring at his mouth for far too long. He was so close now, she almost had to go cross-eyed to keep him in focus. He leaned forward slowly, resting his forehead against hers.

“Thank you,” he whispered.

She held her breath, afraid that the slightest movement would cause her mouth to brush against his. His face was angled in a way that should make it impossible for such to take place, unless she tilted toward him. She wasn’t going to, because she didn’t want this. And he didn’t either. He was grieving the woman he loved. The child they had made was in his arms, nestled between them. She had just agreed to take responsibility for the thing that was most precious to him. He was just expressing his gratitude in an intimate way - letting her know how much it meant to him that she had accepted this one request.

_Then why do you want to kiss him?_

She didn’t.

_Why are you touching him?_

She wasn’t. 

The heat radiating beneath her palm told another story. Her hand was on the center of his chest, placed on top of the design that had always looked like an up-side-down heart to her. His forehead was still leaning on her, but now his nose was brushing the side of hers instead of the tip of it. Was he doing that or was she? She raised her chin just a fraction to try and focus on his eyes, but it was a mistake. Her generous lips slid between his, and from the way he captured her mouth, he had been waiting for them.

The kiss was neither hungry nor dispassionate. His left hand brushed her cheek, his long, slender fingers reaching beneath her lek and curving around the column of her neck. His lips moved slowly against hers, as he breathed deeply through his nose. He made no effort to deepen the contact or penetrate her mouth, satisfied with what she gave him.

_What I should not be giving him. Why am I allowing this?_

He pulled back slightly, returned for a short nibble, then withdrew the rest of the way. She opened her eyes, not realizing that she had closed them. The black of his pupils had pushed almost to the red rims of his iris, indicating he was just as affected by what had taken place between them as she was. His fingers dropped from her neck and she lowered her hand from his chest and the rapid beating of his hearts. 

“Thank you,” he repeated, his voice low and throaty.

“Is that how you say ‘thank you’ to all the girls?” she asked, trying to keep the tremor out of her voice.

“Hardly,” he replied. “As you are only the second person I’ve ever done that with.”

She stared at him, “Why did you do it?”

“You seemed to want me to,” he reasoned. 

She could hardly argue with that - she _had_ been staring at his mouth when he drew near. But she didn’t want him to think that she really wanted him in that way. Before she could say as much, he went on.

“It was an impulse, my lady. Be assured, I did not come here to try and woo you to my side again. I know where we stand with each other. And when I leave here tonight, it will probably be the last time we meet.”

Something about that notion made her ache inside, as if she were losing someone she cared for. He dropped his arm from the back of the couch, slipping his hand beneath his child’s knees. Carefully, he transferred the sleeping infant into Ahsoka’s arms. He shifted away from her abruptly and reached down to retrieve a satchel from the floor. 

“Everything he needs for the time being is in here,” he stated. “There’s enough credits for his new family to raise him with.”

He fished through one of the pockets before pulling out a small data stick.

“There are two messages on this for him when he’s old enough - one from his mother and one from me. I don’t mind if you watch them. You may determine when he is ready to see them.”

He started to rise from the couch, but Ahsoka caught his wrist, gently pulling him back down.

“Are you really just going to leave right now?” she asked.

“I don’t believe I was tracked here, but the Inquisitors are good at finding people. I don’t want to risk putting you or him in danger. The sooner I lead them away from here, the better.”

“You look exhausted. When was the last time you slept?”

He snorted, “I’m on the run with an infant who requests to be fed every two or three hours. What do you think?”

“Just stay here tonight. Get one night of good sleep, you can leave first thing in the morning.”

She knew it was unwise to invite him to stay, especially after what had just happened between them. But this was happening too quickly. She needed time to process what was going on. He was watching her again, and she could almost see the struggle play out in his eyes.

“It would be a mistake to stay,” he said after a long moment. “Leaving him is hard enough already. And I don’t think there will be any rest to be had for me under the same roof as you, Ahsoka.”

“Why?” she asked, knowing the answer, but wanting him to say it.

“You know why,” he growled, though his voice was more pained than angry. “Every time I am in your presence, I find it harder to leave. You feel it too. There _is_ something that draws us together, and I have never quite been able to determine the root of it. I don’t know what could have been if you and I had joined together, but I know it would have changed the course of history. 

But you were right - our destinies ran along different paths. We’ll never know what we missed, but if I stay here tonight, curiosity will get the better of us. You know it’s true. I don’t want to know how good it could have been. I have loved and been loved, and for once I will be content with what I have had. I’ve already caused you enough pain by my actions, I’ll not add more by staying.”

She knew enough to accept that he was right. And this time, she would listen to him. She would let him go, because whatever went between them in the few hours they had tonight would only cause them both regret. She drew in a slow, deep breath and nodded. She shifted her attention to the baby and lifted him higher in her arms, drawing him close to her face. She bent over him, inhaling the sweet breath that passed from his parted rosebud lips. He was a beautiful baby. She looked for his father’s features in his face, but there was little that could be detected at so young an age, save the promise of high cheekbones and a firm chin when he grew up. 

Maul rose from the couch and walked toward her galley. She heard him pour himself a glass of water and down it. When he returned, he offered her an apologetic smile.

“I’m afraid whatever that roasted meat was in your refrigeration unit - it’s gone now.”

She shook her head, “It’s fine. Do you want anything else?”

“No. I have everything I need.”

He sank down to his haunches in front of her, gripping the edge of the couch next to her knee hard enough to make his knuckles pop. 

“I have one more request to make of you, Lady Tano, before I take my leave.”

“You have but to name it,” she replied, echoing words he had once spoken to her.

His eyes widened, indicating it did not escape his notice. “I do not expect to meet you again, but should our paths cross once more - I want you to promise me that you will not speak to me of my son again. Do not tell me who he is with. Do not tell me where he is. If Sidious ever captures me again, the information cannot be in my mind. I will take measures to lock away the memory of tonight.”

“You can do that?”

“I can try. Altering memories in one’s own mind is a delicate process, but I believe I can do it.”

His hand brushed against her thigh as he rose from his crouch, “You’ll have to remember it for both of us.”

She got up from the couch and followed him to the door. He turned and drew near to her once more, his attention fully on the child in her arms. His hand caressed the baby’s soft, bald head, his inked fingers a sharp contrast to its pink skin.

His voice cracking, he whispered, “Never doubt that I loved you, my son. Never.”

He bent low and placed a kiss on the child’s cheek, then pressed his nose into the blanket and breathed deeply. For one anxious to forget tonight, he seemed intent on remembering his son’s face and scent. Ahsoka’s heart was breaking for him. All this pain because of one man. One man who sought to destroy the lives of all who dared resist him.

“I will protect him, Maul - you have my word. He’ll be loved. He’ll be -” she bit her lip and a tear rolled down her cheek. “He’ll be taken care of. I swear it.”

Maul raised his golden eyes to hers, and she could tell he was losing the fight to keep his emotions under control. He drew himself straight and put his hands on her arms, gently backing her against the wall to the side of the door, so no one would see her when he opened it.

“What is his name?” she asked.

Maul paused and looked to the side, “He doesn’t have one. Qi’ra and I couldn’t agree on it.”

“His father should be the one to name him,” she said. “Do you have a surname?”

“No. But…” his voice trailed off, and he closed his eyes, his brows furrowing as if he was deep in thought. “Give him my name. The one I had before Sidious took me.”

“Which was?” she asked.

“Samael,” he said, his voice barely above a whisper. “Don’t use that full name though. Call him Sam or Mael. The name is ancient and rarely given anymore. Should Sidious learn of a Zabrak child called by it, he will make the connection. Only when Sidious is dead can you tell him his true name.”

“Alright. It will be done as you say,” she assured.

He touched Samael’s cheek, “Live the life I should have led.” 

His eyes returned to her face, and she saw something in them deeper than just gratitude.

“Ahsoka,” he breathed her name, his voice shaking. “Thank you.”

She smiled at him, “What? I don’t get a kiss this time?”

He hummed, “Don’t tempt me.”

He turned to the door, his hand hovering over the release. He looked back to her, pressed against the wall with his child clutched to her breast. Whatever turmoil was going on inside him, he was fighting it with everything he had. She saw the moment he snapped as if it had been audible, and suddenly, he was in her space once more. Both his hands were on her face a moment before his mouth reclaimed hers.

There was no hesitation this time. This was no sweet tasting of her lips. He pressed close to her, though not enough to disturb Samael. His lips explored hers thoroughly, nipping and sucking as he went. His tongue begged entrance and she granted it, moaning softly into his mouth. She could taste the herbs that had seasoned the roast he had helped himself to. 

After a time, he withdrew his tongue to press another bruising kiss to her swollen lips, and she discovered another flavor on his mouth. Salt. A moment later she realized it was his tears she was tasting. One ran down his face to wet her cheek, while another trickled between her lips. His mouth never strayed from hers for the duration of the kiss, but after what seemed many minutes, he slowed down as if weaning himself away from her touch. 

When he finally drew back, the inked skin of his face was streaked with tears. Even so, she had never thought him more beautiful. His lovely eyes bore into hers with an intensity that made her feel weak. 

“Goodbye, Ahsoka.”

Before the words had completely permeated her thoughts, the door opened and closed with a hiss - and he was gone. She stared straight ahead, her chest rising and falling rapidly. How could she feel the loss of something that she had not wanted an hour before? But she did. 

Movement in her arms drew her attention to the child she was clutching. Samael stretched and yawned, his tiny fist breaking free of his blanket to tuck under his chin. His eyes cracked open and he blinked a few times, adjusting to his surroundings. When he finally managed to focus on her face, he stared at her wide-eyed.

She smiled down at him, instinctively shifting her weight from one side to the other in a soothing motion. “I know you don’t know me little one, but you will soon. I promised your daddy that I’d look after you.”

He looked at her intently, and she returned to the living room and sank back down onto the couch where Maul had been sitting before. Here, where there was more light, she could make out the color of the baby’s eyes. Not the bright red-gold of his father’s, but a warm amber rimmed with brown. She couldn’t help but wonder if these were what Maul’s eyes had looked like before he was pulled into the darkness. 

She drew him up to her, resting his head against her shoulder. He nestled his face against her neck, his little hands tucked against her collarbone. She pressed a kiss to his cheek, breathing in the clean, soft scent unique to babies. He made a contented sound and settled into her, while Ahsoka recalled the events of the evening in her mind.

If Maul was going to make himself forget what happened tonight, she would simply have to take his advice and remember for the both of them. She knew his kisses would linger in her thoughts long after. A part of her hoped they would for him as well. Deep down she knew that if she had joined with him, it still would have ended in pain and hurt for both of them. But what happened in between? She licked her still swollen lips. If nothing else, it would have been fun. 

She rubbed Samael’s back in small circles, then patted him gently. This was what really mattered. Maul wanted a legacy, but more than that he wanted his son to live the life that was stolen from him. Ahsoka could make that happen. She _would_ make that happen.

“So what do you think, little one?” she whispered to him. “Sam or Mael? Which do you prefer?”

**Author's Note:**

> I tagged this as Star Wars: Rebels, because it is during that time span that these events take place...roughly a year before Ezra discovers Maul on Malachor. But I also tagged Solo, since it was Qi'ra's little conversation with Maul in that movie that made me think that if anyone had a plausible chance of ending up with him, it was her. 
> 
> Concerning Maul's true name:  
> I was originally just looking for a way to blend Sam Witwer's name into Maul's character and that's how the name Samael first came to me.  
> Bonus: Samael can be shortened to either Sam or Mael, which is remarkably similar to Maul.  
> Extra bonus: "Samæl is an archangel in Talmudic and post-Talmudic lore, a figure who is the accuser, seducer, and destroyer. Although many of his functions resemble the Christian notion of Satan, to the point of being sometimes identified as a fallen angel, in others he is not necessarily evil, since his functions are also regarded as resulting in good, such as destroying sinners. He is considered in Talmudic texts to be a member of the heavenly host with often grim and destructive duties. One of Samael's greatest roles in Jewish lore is that of the main angel of death and the head of satans. Although he condones the sins of man, he remains one of God's servants." How freaking perfect is that?


End file.
